When I was told I would be teaching 10th Grade English in a new way my second year at North Hills Christian School, I had no idea how much this would impact me then or now. The new plan, as advised by the intelligent and wise Mr. Matthew Weaver, was to only teach World Literature up until the Medieval Period so that the 10th and 11th grade years would better align with the History curriculum at the school. This meant that about half of my plan for World Literature in 10th grade would not longer be applicable, since it would now be divided into two years rather than one. So, I had a lot more intensive planning and reading to delve into to make the year into a complete and interesting exploration of all things English (including literature, grammar, vocabulary, and writing). And, at the time, the area of early World Literature was indeed my weakest area of knowledge as far as literature and thought were concerned. I had never been a philosopher or mythology girl by nature, and hence my literary prowess dwelt in other areas (like American and British Literature, like most book nerds).
So after meeting with the boss, that Summer, I hit the books--reading Plato and Aristotle, the Book of Job and a Michael Card exploration of wisdom and grief called A Sacred Sorrow along with some of the Greek tragedies, and revamping my knowledge of Chaucer stories (since it can be quite difficult to choose appropriate tales of his; many are bawdy!). But the greatest impact on my life that Summer and afterwards would be the reading of The Iliad and The Odyssey. I never thought that such wisdom and insight for a Christian could be found in these pagan and powerful myths. I was specifically impacted by the Emily Wilson translation of The Odyssey, which is both poetic and readable (I would compare this translation to the ESV translation of the Bible for its emphasis on beauty and accuracy). The story of The Odyssey is ultimately a tale of a father and son and the lessons they learn through their separate and related adventures across the sea and the lands that dwell in between. Telemachus (the son who has grown up without a father) must learn confidence and how to be a man who asserts himself. And Odysseus (the father who has spent years away from his home in Ithaca) must learn humility as he makes his way home.
Time and time again this father must learn how incredibly small he is in comparison to the gods who continue to both plague and bless his life. As soon as you, as the reader, think Odysseus has learned his final lesson, has been through his last test and struggle, there is always yet another, worse, and more humbling challenge ahead--that is, until he reaches his ultimate humbling moment in the form of Scylla and Charybdis. Odysseus is told by Circe that the only way he can reach home is by traveling through the one area of the sea that even Poseidon the sea god himself fears to traverse--the strait that lies between a giant whirlpool (Charybdis) and a man-eating monster (Scylla). Odysseus is told that as a non-god, he must learn to live with sacrifices (meaning the surety of some of his men and possibly himself dying) and with the limitations of his humanity (his not being in charge of his life or ultimately others--a hard lesson for a captain to learn!). It is only after this final challenge that Odysseus is humbled enough to reach his own home and be willing to play the rag-clad beggar for the sake of winning his household back.
I remember reading this specific portion of the story (Scylla and Charybdis) and gawking at the ties to my own life. You see, the truth is that we all, as human beings, the crowns of creation, think we are the Captains of our own Life-ships, guiding not only ourselves but also the dependents in our lives to the safety and security of home (in America, namely a steady career, safe neighborhood and house, 2 cars and a college fund for the kids). And we must, time and time and time again, be humbled before we call out to the true God for advice. We must then continue to be humbled as we go along the journey this God has set out for us, a journey filled with challenges and struggles which continue to humble us until we feel that our very human life-blood and power are utterly drained, and for the sake of what? The knowledge that we are not in control of our circumstances, our journeys, our very lives. The knowledge that we are not the "ish" we once thought and felt we were, but are actually mere small humans living the life the Lord intended for us.
We can either accept this, or fight it, but the reality remains the same. As Peter says in the Gospel when Jesus asks if they [the disciples] too will leave him: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." In other words, there is no other place to go--God is IT, whether we like Him or his plans or not. We either choose Him, or we choose to fight the very One who controls our very destinies. Personally, I'd rather listen to the one who knows all, rather than to my own stubbornness. Odysseus makes the same decision; he doesn't like the plan, he doesn't often like the gods and goddesses who speak into his merely human life, and yet he knows that they are the way home--the only way for him to accomplish not only what he has set out to do (namely, returning home) but also, the only way for him to accomplish (or not accomplish) anything. They are a reality. For the Christian, the triune God is this reality, is THE reality--the question is will we go with him or against him? Will we fight against our own destiny for the sake of our own human stubbornness, or will we listen to the One who has the words of life, and make our way to the true home--heaven?
This brings me to today. Since arriving at the Boardwalk Chapel, I have gotten 2 sicknesses (a short-lived stomach bug and a longer-term Covid) and a bought of dehydration (which spanned from Sunday to Tuesday). Previous to this, I had already received numerous sicknesses and struggles and challenges upon challenges, especially in the past 5 years. Sometimes--often--it seems and feels like the Lord just wants to drown me, to kill all that is human in me, to take every essence of everything that would have the ability to claim autonomy. And if we are talking about the parts of me that scripture called "the flesh," the parts of me that necessitate pruning since they only serve to limit my present and future, the parts of me which I deem important to this "self" which in reality do not serve the mission and life God has called me to, then this is exactly right. Since I am a Christian, God will kill everything in me which would seek to kill me, especially those parts which I value most and have made into idols that limit my life. I serve a God who is not pleased with part of my heart or part of my allegiance. He, like Athena and Circe and the Greek gods who attach to a mortal in love and care, is not satisfied with halves--my God wants, demands, searches for, ALL of me until what is me has become Him. Romans 8: 29 tells us: "For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son..." He has plans for we false captains, plans to humble us and make into Christ-likeness, plans to fill us up with Himself so that we are emptied of what is merely flesh and blood, and are filled to the fullness of the Spirit. This is not to say God kills personality; No, He fashions it to become the most Christlike and effective; he makes us Renaissance men and women who truly have something to give. But, God does this through killing those things which we often value most--those things which we think make us who we are, which actually take away from the true and holy us who God can see under the dross.
This is not an unfamiliar concept to our current culture: this concept of someone needing ALL of us, and us being somehow willing to give it. A classic jazz tune made all the more famous by one Michael Buble, modern-day crooner of all things old, comes to mind:
"All of me, why not take all of me
Can't you see I'm no good without you
Take my lips I want to lose them
Take my arms I'll never use them
...
You took the part that once was my heart
So why not why not take all of me...
Now, I'm lost without you
And now, that you took that part
That used to be my heart
All of me
Why not take all of me?
Can't you see I'm a mess without you
You took the part that used to be my heart
So why not take all of me?"
It's very like this with our God. Once we become His, He uses our mind, body, soul, strength--to worship Him--to help us love God and love others. Once God has our heart, he wants, and we give, ALL. We truly are lost without the One who made us and therefore knows how we can live our best lives: the lives He intends for us. We truly are a mess without giving ourselves completely to the One we always belonged to in the first place.
I'll be honest, this Summer, after getting a short-term flu, feeling better for a bit, then getting a long-term sickness, then feeling better for a bit, and THEN having a great beach day with the Denny kids (a very sweet, wonderful family who helps here at the Boardwalk Chapel) only to return home with major dehydration AFTER trying to hydrate at the beach--I was livid! I felt as if God not only didn't want me to be able to help with ministry here, to truly BE PRESENT, but that He also must not care if I have friends here since after leaving all of my connections and people back home in the great state of N.C., He brought me to N.J. to continually let me get sick and not be able to be present in the social community here. How did God expect me to get and keep friends when He kept knocking me down with stuff? Was He serious? Had I not gotten sick enough in the past 5 years of teaching? Had I not "resurrected" from the grave of pain and bed-stricken-ness enough? Had I not already experienced enough sickness last Summer and still been willing to recover and serve the best I could? Had I not learned this specific lesson enough!? Was he kidding with this time and time and time again challenge of sickness!?
Such were my thoughts this past Monday and Tuesday as I drank water-cup after water-cup and electrolytes and electrolytes just to pee them all out in our room camping toilet time and time again and feel so defeated and irritated at this God who claims to be on my side as I emptied said toilet time and time again once everyone had gone to sleep. I'll admit, I was slipping into pretty dark waters listening to those Siren calls of anxiety and depression which sounded so much sweeter and more empathetic than the God who kept gently reminding me that He has a purpose in all things, especially in those we find most frustrating. Long story short, God, like always, won me over. What choice did I have anyway? I know He has the words of life. I know He has been faithful to me time and time again despite my own idiocy and stubborn pride. I know He is the only one I can trust since He knows me better than I have ever or will ever know myself. With all of this knowing, I must at some point give up the silly fight and live out that knowing before I burst from my own resistance to the Lover of my Soul. And that is exactly what happened yesterday.
The truth is, I don't know the reason I've had so many health issues. I likewise don't know why my dear friend Christina who is called to the mission field or why my pastor's wife who has so many callings to fulfill, are both often so unwell. It would seem that the Lord would grant those who most long to serve Him with the health to do what He has seemed to ask of them. And yet so often, this is not the case. There could be reasons down the road that become clear to me such as: the Lord has a lot of ministry for me involving those who are struggling with health trials, and He is preparing me. But I don't know the future. I am not a god. I am only a man. I cannot predict the true God's later reasons for specific trials in this life.
What I can do though is learn the lessons this loving, radical, and powerful God has for me "in the now." Namely, I am learning my place in the universe, and it is MUCH less impressive than one would think. I thought I had learned this humble posture, but clearly I have not. The truth is, I, the mortal, do not get to determine my circumstances (when our house sales, what condition our house is truly in, what companies or individuals will lie in the process of the selling of it, where I live, how long I live there for, if I will ever have children); I do not get to determine my days (how my health will impact what I can and can't do, how long I will actually live); I do not get to determine much of anything actually other than how I will react to what the Lord calls me to do in the state I happen to be in at the time (circumstance and health wise).
I recently worked with a great man who goes by the name of Mr. Hoehman at my last school (Rockwell Christian). He was a Math teacher very focused on the truth, and when he first responded to my kind "See you tomorrow, Mr. Hoehman," with "If the Lord wills!," I was irritated at his subtle correction to my logic when I was simply intending a kind Southern gesture. However, the more we had this same interaction, the more I valued his perspective, and the more I started speaking and responding in similar ways. I think when Mr. Hoehman said this he was speaking more to himself than anyone, and as I have aped his good choice of phraseology, I have done it more for myself as well--so that I may be reminded of the truth and live it out. We humans may not have an Oedipus-complex (yuck!), but we really DO have an Odysseus-complex!; we think we know what our future holds, and we are trained to think in this way from quite early ages. We think we have a right to plan our own lives and then execute those plans with faithfulness, but we truly don't know our tomorrows. We don't even know our todays. You see, Mr. Hoehman was re-teaching me the truths of James 4: 13-16. It is the same truth Odysseus had to learn. The passage says:
"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business, and make a profit.' You do not even know what will happen tomorrow! What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord is willing, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your proud intentions. All such boasting is evil."
A lot of the anxiety I was experiencing during sickness was because when the Drama Director kindly asked if I could come to a certain practice or perform a certain skit, I wanted to be able to plan with confidence and follow-through well, or because when the Domestics lead needed help, I wanted to be able to say "I'll do it, boss," and then be able to follow-through on that plan, etc. When something is asked of me, I want to be able to say yes and mean it and do it and not have a reputation for either not being willing to serve or not being able to complete what I have given my word to try and do. But the truth is, though of course it is good to keep one's word, I don't know day to day what my health with be like, what I will be able to do or not do, or what the Lord has planned for me that may differ from my well-intended planning without my consulting Him. I likewise have little control over what others will think of me or not think of me, no matter what I do or don't complete. I am learning to be more of a Mr. Hoehman and less of a Calli English, asking the Lord what He would have for me each day after my Bible Reading time, and then listening to Him before all others and above all others. I am learning to be more of a Mr. Hoehman and less of a Calli English, being quick to listen and slow to respond, letting my "yes" be less and my "no" and "maybe" be more often communicated, so that I can make space for the unknown in this little life of mine. The problem for me as an American Schoolteacher is pretty compounded since both my country and my career emphasize humans making and executing plans that they often are not empowered to do--since we aren't the gods and "captains" we think we are.
In modern America, you learn to make a plan for your life when young: what will you do? where will you go to college? where will you live? will you marry and have children? if so, when? I bought into this logic hook, line, and sinker in pubic high school, and I synchronized it with my Christian faith. I thought that if I just planned certain things well enough and lived life by God's rules, I would live the good life Proverbs promises. But the Wisdom Literature of the Bible includes more than just Proverbs; there's also Ecclesiastes and Job which show the darker side of life--which show that you can do everything right, and go through the hell of losing all but life and Lord--you can look and see the wicked man prospering for a time when it seems the righteous is on the struggle-bus time and time again. I also didn't realize that this idea of the American Dream is not necessarily God's dream for me, and as Moses wisely knew and spoke in Exodus "If Your Presence does not go with us, Lord, do not lead us up from here!" A dream without the Lord's presence is certain death in the now, or the later, or in both.
I also just simply didn't see my American privilege in these assumptions (I know from Ugandans whom I have met that there, you often don't even know if you will have energy to clean your clothes on a certain day since you don't know how much food you'll get the days before). And the longer I live the more I see things like marriage as random. It's not just the pretty people or the character-driven people who get married; the blessing of marriage is seemingly random. Attractiveness and character and charisma just don't determine whether or not you'll find the one. Just take a look at Facebook sometime, and you'll see what I mean. Haha....For real though. And finally, you can be like my mother and get pregnant after one special night with your husband (she used to say she'd "get pregnant if my dad spit on her shoe" she was so fertile) or you can be like me who has been with her spouse quite often (It's okay guys; Godly marriage often equals great sex; it's Biblical), and never misses a cycle. All is blessing from God. We are not as in control as we think we are. In this age of technology, contraceptives, fertility pills, privilege--if you live in the First World--, etc., it's easier than ever to feel like the gods of our own lives. But it is also as false as ever. Just more tempting to believe.
In the field of Education, you learn to plan semesters, units, and weeks in advance, and then follow-through on those plans. But guess what? Life happens. You are not as in control as your degree or your teacher planner taught you, you are. Your plans get broken due to school events that pop up which you weren't told about; due to student sickness; due to teacher sickness; due to a substitute doing none of the plans you made; due to student's not caring or not understanding--to be human is to err--Shakespeare was right about that. Human-ness will, rather than fulfill a plan, be sure to find a way to ruin it every time, and yet without us trying, striving, the world would go to pot since we, as the crowns of creation, are both the solution and the problem, the issue and the remedy. All of this to say, my challenge to become this humbled-self who is open-handed rather than tight-fisted with her True Captain (God) is quite difficult since I've had years of both natural and trained pride and stubbornness, and I believe this is why time and time again, the Lord must teach me how much I cannot do and how much is in His control and not mine own. I'm super hard-headed, and so, I must suffer in order to learn.
It is a hard thing indeed to learn that in the grander scheme of things, I'm not even the actual Captain of my Life-ship who must learn humility from the gods. The reality is actually much more extreme: I am one of those 600 men rowing under my Captain's instructions who must be willing to follow the lead of my Captain wherever He might lead me--in sickness or in health, in life or in death. The 5 missionaries and their wives I recently read about in "Through Gates of Splendor" did not plan on dying at the hand of the Acuas, yet they were willing to follow their Captain-God in life and in death whichever be his will.
I, in my non-humble state, like those idiotic crew-members under Captain Odysseus, am constantly trying to ruin my life and the lives of those around me--by rebelling in mutiny against my Captain God, by letting the wind out when I am told not to since I wanted to dictate my own journey, by lusting after things that were never mine to take and then taking those things as mine own. I MUST learn to be obedient to my Captain, and since He is a loving, all-knowing, self-sacrificing Captain unlike Odysseus, all the more reason for me to trust Him rather and over my stupid-self who thinks I know much more than I ever have or will.
Recently we had a concert at the Boardwalk Chapel from a humble and kind Follower of Christ named Baz McGuire. One of his songs "Captain" had me weeping at my own stubbornness and pride. I didn't understand the full reason for my intense weeping until the lesson the Lord had for me at the start of this week: I still had humility to learn. I think the song a fitting to end to this blog. The beginning lyrics are:
"You're the Captain of my Life
You steer me through turbulent waters
You're the Way, the Truth, and the Life
You hear me though I don't listen like I oughta'
Sometimes I read your charts, and then follow my own heart
And then end up adrift on the sea
But my Savior always comes to rescue me..."
To accompany the song, Baz talked about his own stubbornness and rebellion until the ripe age of 50 when God humbled Him and changed his life for the better. May we all learn to listen to our Captain in turbulent waters rather than to the Siren-songs of the self/flesh.
The full song can be found below and is well-worth your time, especially if you, like me, tend to struggle with human pride despite our competent and good Captain who only has good in mind for us. God certainly deserves our allegiance and our hearts. Let us learn the lessons of humility deeper and deeper to bone and marrow, especially when and if it hurts, since that is where the lesson must seep into in order to reach the cockles of the heart.
https://soundcloud.com/baz-mcguire/captain?in=baz-mcguire/sets/the-dennis-road-sessions&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing
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